100 Things Australia Is Not Allowed To Do
by Felixfeles
Summary: If it weren't for these rules, who knows what Australia would get up to. Rated for swearing and references.


**Hello there! This being my first Hetalia fanfic I hope you enjoy it and will let me know if I've screwed it up in any way. I'd recommend reading it alongside this fic s/6109263/1/100-Things-New-Zealand-isn-t-allowed-t o-do which served as an inspiration for this little piece. **

**Aus: "If kiwi's got a 'Thing he's not allowed to do list' then I want one to!" **

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**100 Things Australia Is Not Allowed To Do**

1. Nobody (except for America) believes in my drop bear tales, therefore I should stop talking about them as is they're real.

2. Same goes for Bunyips,

3. And Yowies.

4. Calling out "Look at moi, look at moi, look at moiiiiii!" is not an acceptable way of getting everyone's attention at world meetings.

5. Eating an entire vegemite sandwich is not a test of courage.

6. So I should not treat it as such.

7. No one's ever passed it anyway.

8. I will not douse England's Barmy Army with water when they start up their chanting.

9. No matter how bad their singing is.

10. When people come to my home asking for the Vienna Boys Choir schedule I will not reply as follows...

11. "Sure Mate! They perform every Tuesday evening and Kings Cross, come naked!"

12. I'll just send the off to Austria's place.

13. Just because I live in America's tomorrow it does not mean I can prank call him saying the apocalypse has started.

14. Especially not on days when an apocalypse is scheduled to start cough*21/12/12*cough.

15. I will not start arguments with New Zealand over who invented Pavlova first,

16. Even though it was me.

17. I will not put up missing posters of the boss I lost.

18. Or the pants that another one of my bosses lost.

19. The pants were last seen in Memphis by the way...

20. Reward for finding them is twelve litres of goon, shipping can be arranged.

21. My grandmother was (probably) not the rainbow serpent.

22. Nor am I a snake charmer,

23. And I will not claim otherwise.

24. I will not try to sabotage Japan's whaling ships,

25. Even if he's fishing in MY *Antarctica's* waters.

26. I will not offer Liechtenstein a kiss "down under"

27. Doing so will guarantee a beating from Switzerland.

28. Doing this to Hungary or Belarus would probably produce similar results.

29. I AM permitted to do this to France, but the results would be even more traumatising.

30. I do not have an army of zombie kangaroos at my disposal.

31. Or sheep,

32. Or rabbits,

33. Or Rolf Harris's,

34. So I will not go about telling people that I do.

35. If I am bored at a world meeting I will not start patting my pockets and say "hang on, where did my spider/snake/box jellyfish get to?"

36. Nor will I laugh at the reactions it produces.

37. Civil wars are meant to be fought over noble causes such as liberating slaves or overriding the monarchy.

38. Not because I'm pissed that my beer supply was cut off.

39. I will not add beetroot to America's burgers.

40. I will not call up England to complain about the lack of rain at my place.

41. I will not crash APEC meetings dressed as Osama Bin Laden.

42. When someone says "I'll be rooting for you" I will do my best to keep a straight face.

43. I will not call up Ireland on St Patrick's day and offer to return his snakes to him.

44. I will not get annoyed when other countries fail to understand the fundamental differences between 'hot chips' and 'packet of chips'.

45. I will not make my own parodies to any of the following...

46. Gangnam style,

47. Call Me Maybe,

48. Jingle Bells.

49. Khe Sanh is not my national anthem,

50. And I will not try to make it so.

51. Instead I will try to remember the second verse of my actual national anthem. "Beneath our, umm... gradient?"

52. Just because my country is way down south, contains devils and is hot as hell it does not mean it actually is hell.

53. Nor can I claim to be Satan.

54. Wearing a bucket on my head does not instantly make me a badass outback bushranger,

55. And does not permit me to run around stealing people's horses.

56. Wog jokes are culturally insensitive and inappropriate.

57. And Greece doesn't get them anyway.

58. When another nation hosts a party that requests attendance in traditional dress I will not show up in my birthday suit.

59. No matter how accurate it is.

60. I will not arrive at world meetings on a kangaroo,

61. Or an emu,

62. Or a platypus.

63. I will not call up Sweden to ask him whether ABBA has reformed or not.

64. I will not rename The America's Cup The Australia's Cup.

65. I will not claim to be the only nation to have met the continents because, well... I am a continent.

66. And a country.

67. And an Island.

68. I will not place China's panda, Canada's polar bear and my Koala in a pen together,

69. And bet on who comes out alive.

70. My koala would win anyway.

71. I will not offer to show other countries my "Map of Tassie"

72. Unless we're really, really, really drunk,

73. And there are no cameras around.

74. I will not replace the Easter Bunny with the Easter Bilby.

75. I will not climb up trees dressed in a koala suit in order to drop down onto America and scare the living daylights out of him.

76. I will especially not do this on Halloween.

77. And especially not when England has bribed me to do so on Halloween.

78. I am not allowed to come up with nicknames for the male countries that end in 'azza',

79. Or refer to the female countries universally as Shelia.

80. It is a cruel and ineffective form of pest control to kill off cane toads by whacking them with a cricket bat.

81. I will not brag to everyone about the wonders of my "Possum Magic"

82. Especially not to England, Norway or Romania.

83. I will not replace Finland's reindeer with Six White Boomers (kangaroos).

84. I will not send New Zealand a shepherdess dress special delivery.

85. Even if it does suit him.

86. I will not dress as the KKK to get into nightclubs.

87. The world's problems cannot be solved with a swimming race.

88. I will not use Henry the Octopus to predict the outcome of State of Origin.

89. Everyone knows what I really mean when I talk about my "thong tan".

90. Therefore I should stop going on about how great it is.

91. Thong jokes in general are forbidden.

92. I am not allowed to wag world meetings in order to watch the Melbourne cup,

93. Even if Kiwi is doing the same thing.

94. I will not refer to America as the Land Up Over.

95. Just because one of my people married a Danish prince it does not mean I can have a threesome with Denmark and Norway.

96. When mailing England a new season of Neighbours I will not send them in a box marked "Iggy's porn".

97. I will not tell anyone that England watches Neighbours.

98. I will not steal New Zealand's possums.

99. Even though they are a pest to him.

100. And finally I will not act like a loud mouthed, roo rooting, permanently drunk Bogan in general.

I faithfully promise to abide by these rule and...

Screw this, where did that kiwi get to? PAVLOVA WAS MINE!

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**R & R if you feel so disposed, or if there's any of the above points you want to clarify, I'll be more than happy to explain them to you.**

**Felixfeles**


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